3.19.2014

Pants Off Dance Off.

Sorry Fuse, I'm not sure that show is still a thing. And if it is I'm pretty sure that 7 month-ish giant pregnant ladies aren't the eye candy you want to cast for your show.

Regardless, I felt compelled to create my own "No Pants" debacle last week during the great windy Wednesday. Yes, it took me an entire week to be able to express this in words, mainly because I'm pregnant and lazy, but also because I still can't believe my own stupidity. And if you've ever read this blog before than you know I must have hit a new low.

And that I did.

Let me begin by saying that I've created the parenting dream (double pats on the back style)...I've instilled a non-negotiable  nap time (1:00-2:30) for everyone in the household every single day, and let me be the first to tell you, it rocks. Not only is the house quiet, but I have the freedom to do whatever I want for an hour and a half. Usually that would consist of spamming companies for sponsor emails, but lately I've moved my emailing hours to mornings and evenings (while the kiddos are asleep) and joining in on the nap festivities.

Not only am I in the "exhausted need to nap everyday" phase of the pregnancy, I am also in the "in denial that my pre-pregnancy clothes no longer fit" mentality. Yup, I'm the guilty party of bottom belly hanging out, because dang it, maternity clothes are friggin expensive and I will not waste a $30 V-neck on a day in the house gosh darn it. 

So that brings us to last Wednesday. It was a lovely day actually, a perfect  60 degrees and sunny afternoon. We had spent the morning playing outside, just enough to tire us out until we were good and ready for a good ole' fashioned snooze. The boys went down great and I assumed the napping position, snuggled in my bed wearing the official uniform. No pants and a white V Neck that was basically a crop top. As you can imagine, I was in my "nap mode" so a bra was the last thing on my mind. The whole situation was very barbaric in a National Geographic sort of way. 

I was on my way to snooze land, when I heard the doorbell ring twice. I was expecting a package, and for some reason have developed this weird sense of Morse code with the UPS guy. Two dings equals package. So I headed downstairs prepared to do the old "open the door and grab the package super fast" routine. In my rush to get back to the napping, I evaluated the situation and decided that it would be better worth my time to tie an Afghan around my waste than to go all the way upstairs and fetch pants, because as I said before I am an irrational pregnant lazy person, and I wanted to get back to resting.

So outside I go like a crop topped pregnant hussy wearing a blanket skirt (with a rather large slit might I add, because again it is a blanket) propping the door with my foot, when all of  sudden a giant gust of wind blew up my "skirt" causing all of my limbs to react in covering my exposed body and letting go of my hold on the door. God then laughed and sent another gust just strong enough to slam the door shut (locked) leaving me standing agape, locked out of my own house, with no pants on.

Naturally I ran to the garage, where we usually keep the spare keys, but for some reason the last set was missing, because I have this gift of locking myself out way too often. And before you ask, our garage is attached, but the previous owners patched over the door when they remolded the kitchen to make extra space...I know priorities, so our attached garage doesn't actually attach to our house. 

Finding no spare keys in the garage, my mama bear instincts started to roar. My kids were locked in the house for poop's sake. I HAD TO GET IN THERE.

So I did what every other red blooded mom wearing no bra and an Afghan blanket would do. I ran across the backyard, through the thorns that have yet to be raked and  avoiding all contact with the neighbors who were pulling in to the top of their driveway (I mean, we're close but not quite that close), and running down the stairs to the basement door, that of course, was locked  (by the way, isn't it sad that we live in such a locked society- said the blanket wearing freak) so I used my super human strength to swiftly kick in the door and burst my way into freedom.

I then unwrapped my blanket, placed it back on the couch it came from, and marched myself upstairs, because gosh darn it, after all that mayhem I still had 45 minutes, and I'd be damned if I had to spend one more of those minutes awake.

Oh, and you know what? I can honestly say that it was the best nap of my entire life.

Lesson learned.

1 comment:

keep up with Jess Elaine by email